"Academy Award Performance"


Play the shark
Play the bride
Joan of Arc
Mrs. Hyde
You're a girl with a thousand faces to choose from, do one

Do the saint
Do the waif
Do the child
That was great
Great performances only come with some inspiration

[CHORUS]
Oh, what a great performance
What a convincing performance
An Academy Award performance

Well produced
Clever lines
Well rehearsed
Well defined
There's a goldmine in what you do, but of course you know that
That's not bad
Nor is that
Very good
So was that
On behalf of the guys you've known, here's your golden trophy

[CHORUS]

Play the scene
Naturelle
Drop the lights
Drop the towel
No director can tell you what you should do, you'll do it

What panache
Oh, what style
Pack the house
Pack the aisles
Everyone's in the dark when you're in the room, those rumors

"Achoo"


Who knows what the winds gonna bring when the invalids sing
"La la's" with a powerful sting that'll stop any opera or any Bing
Sing, spread the news across the land
All winners will be also-rans

Achoo - one size fits everyone
Achoo - one breath, the deed has been done

Grey hair and a dash and a flair give your doctor an air
I'm hurt, but the choice that you made is an obvious one
for a girl who needs care
I do hope that he makes you well
Say, is there any cure for Hell,

Achoo - one size fits everyone
Achoo - one breath, the deed has been done

Sing, Ile de France and everywhere
You can't ignore that sort of air

Achoo - one size fits everyone
Achoo - one breath, the deed has been done

So, open wide, open wide and say, open wide and say goodbye, you'll be OK

Achoo - he's gonna whisk you away
Achoo - he's gonna make you OK
[repeat x4]

"Aeroflot"



I don't know about you, but I'm sitting pretty
We're flying Aeroflot, we're flying Aeroflot
Vodka on ice, and a hostess who's witty

We're flying Aeroflot, we're flying Aeroflot
Buckle up, buckle up, buckle up, daddy-o
Stow your bags overhead or it ain't a go
Buckle up, buckle up, buckle up, daddy-o
You never know, you never know, do you

We're flying Aeroflot, we're flying Aeroflot, we're flying Aeroflot
We've got reservations

We're flying Aeroflot, we're flying Aeroflot, we're flying Aeroflot
We've got reservations

I don't know about you, but I love adventure
We're flying Aeroflot, we're flying Aeroflot

On Aeroflot, every flight's an adventure
We're flying Aeroflot, we're flying Aeroflot

Stretch on out, daddy-o, we're talking space
Every pilot is an honored Mig ace
Leningrad, St. Petersburg, in either case
You never know, you never you, do you

We're flying Aeroflot, we're flying Aeroflot, we're flying Aeroflot"
We've got reservations

We're flying Aeroflot, we're flying Aeroflot, we're flying Aeroflot
We've got reservations

Way back in coach they're singing 'Viva Vacation'
We're flying Aeroflot, we're flying Aeroflot

Up here in business is the United Nations
We're flying Aeroflot, we're flying Aeroflot

Blinis on your plate and Eisenstein on screen
Richard Branson must be turning red or green

Stewardesses look like high-school beauty queens
They never say nyet, service supreme, supreme

We're flying Aeroflot, we're flying Aeroflot, we're flying Aeroflot
We've got reservations

We're flying Aeroflot, we're flying Aeroflot, we're flying Aeroflot
We've got reservations

"Thank you for flying Aeroflot"

"Alabamy Right"



Squeeze in between the lines
Hustle it's nearly five, hustle it's nearly five
They're coming with coupons they're coming with kids
All hungry, pretty soon they'll need to be fed

And they'll Alabamy right around the register
It sure looks good to me
Alabamy milk and honey ev'rywhere

They're scaling the mountains of frozen delights
There's been an avalanche on aisle number nine
And they'll Alabamy right around the register
It sure looks good to me

No need to go miles to Hollywood or pretend that you're celestial
There's no waiting now on checkstand number eighteen
Squeeze in between the lines
Hustle it's nearly five, hustle it's nearly five

This place plays no fav'rites by day or by night
It will not be offended if you buy light
Just so you Alabamy right around the register
It sure looks good to me

Alabamy milk and honey ev'rywhere
It sure looks good to me
It sure looks good to me

It sure looks good to me
It sure looks good to me
It sure looks good to me

"All You Ever Think About Is Sex"


Think about the places we've had our little fun
In the church at Christmas, busted by that nun
Then in that museum, beneath the Mastodon
Stating our positions on the White House lawn

[Chorus:]
All you ever think about is sex
All you ever think about exclusively
All you ever think about is sex, all right with me

Say, do you remember the Dodgers and the Mets
50,000 people saw us and turned red
I'm still not recovered from Saturday's faux pas
When your father came home, saw us, and dropped dead

[Chorus]

In a world of lovers, we don't love each other much
Fact is, we're too busy to love each other much

[Chorus]

"Almost A Hollywood Ending"


[INGMAR BERGMAN:]
And as Garbo and I entered the theater, I felt a sense of both
calm and expectation.
You, dear listener, have been very patient with me.
Thank you for listening to my story.
You may be relieved to know the story is soon coming to an end.
What is strange is that the story has almost a Hollywood ending.
A Hollywood ending!
I sat in the dark with Miss Garbo and watched her glorious
Swedish film, the two of us alone in the small theater.
And when the film was over and the lights went on, she was gone.
I slowly walked toward the exit and out onto the street.
A familiar street.
A street in Sweden.

"Amateur Hour"


Lawns grow plush in the hinterlands
It's the perfect little setting for the one night stands
Now the drapes are drawn and the lights are out
It's the time to put in practice what you've dreamed about

She can show you what you must do
To be more like people better than you

[Chorus:]
Amateur Hour goes on and on
When you turn pro you know she'll lets you know
Amateur Hour goes on and on
When you turn pro you know
She tells you so

Girls grow tops to go topless in
While we sit and count the hairs that blossom from our chins
Our voices change at a rapid pace
I could start a song a tenor and then end as bass

Choose your partners everyone
If you hesitate, the good ones are gone

[Chorus]

Dance, laugh, wine, dine, talk and sing
But those cannot replace what is the real thing
It's a lot like playing the violin
You cannot start off to be Yehudi Menuhin

[Chorus]

"Angst In My Pants"



I hope it doesn't show
It'll go 'way
It's just a passing phase
It'll go 'way

You can dress nautical
Learn to tie knots
Take lots of Dramamine
Out on your yacht
But when you're all alone
And nothing bites
You'll wish you stayed at home
With someone nice
But when you think you made it disappear
It comes again, "Hello, I'm here", and
I've got angst in my pants

You can be smart as hell
Know how to add
Know how to figure things
On yellow pads
Answer so no one knows
What you just said
But when you're all alone
You and your head
What's the computer say, it's mumbling now
It says "hey Joe"
It's spelled it out and
"You've got angst in your pants"
"You've got angst in your pants"

But when you think you've made it disappear
You're sure you made it disappear
And you've still got angst in your pants

I hope it doesn't show
It'll go 'way
It's just a passing phase
It'll go 'way
I hope it doesn't show
It'll go 'way
Give it a hundred years
It won't go 'way
And I've got angst in my pants
I've got angst in my pants

"Angus Desire"



See private parts in public school
They look so odd, try something else
Unnatural acts, consent implied
No one objects to Angus Desire
No interviews please, no interviews please
Life's not so free for stockyard femme fatale
Nor is my life carefree and serene
All this comes free with Angus Desire

Summer heat ebbs, romance denied
It's back to school, that good-old college try
Why don't you stay with your own kind
Let's not admire Angus Desire

(Angus in the summer waltzing with her friends)

"Armies Of The Night"



It's a sleepy sort of night, the last thing that I want is sleep
It's a peaceful sort of night, the last thing that I want is peace

I throw caution to the wind and it comes flying back at me
It's the calm before the storm and something's going to clobber me

Put your ear down to the ground, can't you hear those stomping feet
And the swishing of those gowns, the laughing and the 4/4 beat

It takes a special kind of thrill to stand out in this day and age
Everybody looks so good and everyone is good in bed

The armies of the night are coming, they're coming
Life will be a dream for you and me
The armies of the night are coming, they're coming
Life will be a scream for you and me

I've got a Sam and Dave Revue playing in my heart tonight
I've got a pebble in my shoe and even that feels good tonight

All those Big Mac wrappers dancing down the street dance better than I do
But you can't fight City Hall no matter what you say or do

The armies of the night are coming, they're coming
Life will be a dream for you and me
The armies of the night are coming, they're coming
Life will be a scream for you and me

It's a sleepy sort of night, the last thing that I want is sleep
It's a peaceful sort of night, the last thing that I want is peace

The armies of the night are coming, they're coming
Life will be a dream for you and me
The armies of the night are coming, they're coming
Life will be a scream for you and me

It's your patriotic duty to look as good as you can
It's your patriotic duty to dance with me.

"As I Sit To Play The Organ At The Notre Dame Cathedral"


Bye, bye, bye, my baby,
Now it's time, time, time for me to go to
Work, work, work,
So you might want to make your way from here
[x3]

Bye, bye, bye, my baby,
Now it's time, time, time for me to go to
Work, work, work,
So you might want to make your way from here
Finish up your beer

Bye, bye, bye, baby, now,
Time, time, time, me to go, work, work, work,
You might want to make your way from here
[x2]

Bye, bye, bye, my baby, now,
It's time, time, time for me to go, to work, work, work,
So you might want to make your way from here
Bye, bye, bye, my baby, now,
It's time, time, time for me to go, to work, work, work,
So you might want to make your way from here
Finish up your beer

Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye,
Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye

As I sit down to play the organ at the Notre Dame Cathedral
As I sit down to play the organ at the Notre Dame Cathedral
You know you're gonna be upstaged, again and again
You know you're gonna be upstaged, upstaged by Him

Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah

I got faith, I got faith, I got a deep, abiding faith,
I got faith, I got faith, I got a deep, abiding faith
That in that sea of faces, that sea of believing faces, (We got faith)
There's always one face that's here to escape the rain

She is here from Japan
She is here from Milan
She is here, time on her hands

As I sit down to play the organ at the Notre Dame Cathedral
As I sit down to play the organ at the Notre Dame Cathedral

You know you're gonna be upstaged, again and again
You know you're gonna be upstaged, upstaged by Him

Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah

I got faith, I got faith, I got a deep, abiding faith,
I got faith, I got faith, I got a deep, abiding faith
That in that sea of faces, that sea of believing faces, (We got faith)
There's always one face that just might be game

She is here from Brazil
She is here from Seville
She is here searching out some thrills

And as we walk along the Seine
And as we walk past cafes and restaurants
And as we walk past museums and monuments
I invite her up to my apartment to escape the rain

I believe, I believe, I believe,
[x4]

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la

I believe, I believe, I believe,
[x4]

Bye, bye, bye, my baby,
Now it's time, time, time for me to go to
Work, work, work, so you had better finish up your beer
Bye, bye, bye, my baby,
Now it's time, time, time for me to go to
Work, work, work,
So you might want to make your way from here
Finish up your beer

As I sit down to play the organ at the Notre Dame Cathedral
It doesn't matter that I'm upstaged, upstaged again

Hallelujah, hallelujah,
[x4]

The congregation sways, the congregation says amen
The congregation sways, and says amen, amen again
But my message is lost on them, lost on all of them
It only reaches one of them
It only reaches one of them

I believe, I believe, I believe,
[x8]

Hallelujah, hallelujah,
[x8]

"At Home, At Work, At Play"



At home, at work, at play
I know you're unavailable from dusk to dawn
Or if you were available you'd bring along
A lot of what could only be a hindrance to me
I ain't a glutton for a lot of sweaty company

You gotta catch her while she's still at home
You gotta catch her while she's still at work
You gotta catch her while she's still at play
The only way is at home, work, or play

Time really flies when it ain't that much time
You better shave half your face at a time
And brush the front of your teeth, leave the rest
And be with her when she's not with the rest
Stop, there's gotta be a million girls like her, though
I can't think of one
So you catch her while she's still at home
And you catch her while she's still at work
And you catch her while she's still at play

Don't let her calendar be any cause to pout
There is a bit of time when there are few about
I'm gonna skirt the issue of her popularity
And just avail myself of all the time that she is free

You gotta catch her while she's still at home
You gotta catch her while she's still at work
You gotta catch her while she's still at play
Cause half the day she's at home, work or play

And time is fleeing the scene of the crime
The act of passing out wrinkles and lines
To every person regardless of race
To every person regardless of face
Stop, there's gotta be a million girls like her though
I can't think of one
So at home she says you butler well
And at work she says you're typing well
And at play she says you caddie well

Stop, There's gotta be a million girls like her though
I can't think of one

So you catch her while she's still at home
And you catch her while she's still at work
And you catch her while she's still at play

I'm gonna love you under incandescent light
I'm gonna love you under fluorescent light
The glaring sun above should not inhibit us at all
I'm very glad to know that your libido never palls

Stop, she's unique, especially at home
Where you're butler, maid, and often cook
And at work together juggling books

Or at play between the tennis sets
Or at play before she's placed her bet
Or at play while she's still slightly wet
Or at play while she is dripping wet

"Autograph Hounds"


Over here!
Over here!
Over here!
Can we have your autograph?
Over here!
Over here!
Over here!
Can we have your autograph?

Over here!
Over here!
Over here!

[GERRY:]
Would you sign your photo please?
Make it out
Make it out
Make it out
To Gerry with a “G”

Over here!
Over here!
Over here!
Can we have your autograph?
Over here!
Over here!
Over here!
Can we have your autograph?

Over here!
Over here!
Over here!

[WOODY:]
Would you sign my T-shirt, please?
Make it out, make it out
Make it out to Woody, Ingmar, please

[INGMAR BERGMAN:]
I’ve got to get back to my hotel room
I’ve got to get back to my hotel room
I’ve got to get back to my hotel room
I’ve got to get back to my hotel room

[HOTEL CONCIERGE:]
Welcome back to the fabulous Beverly Hills Hotel!
Mr. Bergman, sir, some Hollywood hospitality
Seems to have come to you, I see, ah, me,
Your key.

"B.C."



My name's Aaron
Hers is Betty
Our boy is a Charlie, so the neighbours sing "hooray for ABC"
ABC forever, each endeavour that I do, I do to keep together
A+B+C

BC, Betty, Betty, get back here
BC, Charlie, Charlie, get back here
You're conveniently forgetting our little wedding
So much for our ABC
Say hello to instability

Everyone we know is shifting to, is shifting fro, with
the exception of we 3, we're ABC
Aaron, Betty, Charlie, here today and here
tomorrow, I can hear them sing "Here, here" for ABC

BC, Betty, Betty, get back here
BC, Charlie, Charlie, get back here
Three was never crowded, our little house did house three handsomely
BC, Betty, Betty, get back here
BC, Charlie, Charlie, get back here
You're conveniently forgetting our little wedding, our honeymoon beside the sea

You just cannot believe in ABC
If you can't believe in ABC, you can't believe, you
can't believe, you can't believe, you can't believe
Rumours spread like tumours, too too fast and too too true

Oh, Betty, Charlie, Betty, Charlie don't you leave
BC, that takes care of ABC
BC, that takes care of ABC
Once the fixture of the ages, the Yellow Pages start
with baby's needs

BC, back to swinging in the trees
BC, back to crawling on my knees
Aaron's here without a Betty
without a Charlie
So much for our ABC
So much for our stability
So much for our stability
So much for our A+B+C

"Balls"



Nothing too prosaic
Nothing too archaic
Here's your wakeup call
We are provocation
We are instigation
Here's your wakeup call, your second call

Balls. All you need are,
Balls. To succeed are
Balls. All you need are
Balls. All you need are,
Balls. To succeed are
Balls. All you need are

You can sting or be stung
You can fling or be flung
It's all up to you
When they're being with you
They're agreeing with you
What you say is true, it comes from

Balls. All you need are,
Balls. To succeed are
Balls. All you need are
Balls. All you need are,
Balls. To succeed are
Balls. All you need are

You can wait for saviors
Meting out their favors
You can wait and wait
Hope may spring eternal
Sounds a bit maternal
Do you want to wait, or crash the gate

Balls. All you need are,
Balls. To succeed are
Balls. All you need are
Balls. All you need are,
Balls. To succeed are
Balls. All you need are.

Others will respect you
Others will elect you
They'll accept your calls
Others will desire you
They may not admire you
But they will admit
You do transmit
Balls.

"Barbecutie"



For the sake of man he has forsaken his whole tan
Living in the snow advancing how much we will know
But his heart cries out

Barbecutie, Barbecutie, Barbecutie, you Barbecutie,
when you're with him he is warm

Let's pursue this more why should he leave so much that's warm
To his detriment maybe he's oh so slightly bent
Ask her, she would know

Barbecutie...

The friends are getting friendly on the lawn
the flies are making enemies of all
Aroma rising from the ancient coals
has turned you into someone very bold
and killed whatever hesitance she showed

Barbecutie...

Look he's back unharmed he must defrost his frozen charm
"How are you today" that's very good, he's on his way
To the Barbecue

Barbecutie...

"Batteries Not Included"



I brought it home and I opened it up
And a smile came to my face for the first time in a while
Yes a smile came to my face for the first time in a while
I turned it on
But nothing happened when I did
Nothing happened at all
I kicked it down the stairs
I threw it at the wall

Hey kid, batteries not included

"Beat The Clock"


I was born a little premature
Mom just couldn't take no more
Had no time to learn to cry
Goodbye, Mama, got to fly
Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye

Entered school when I was two
PhD'd that afternoon
Never entered any sports
Didn't look too good in shorts
Got divorced when I was four

[CHORUS]
I've seen everything there is
I've done everything there is
I've met everyone but Liz
Now I've even met ol' Liz
No time for relationship
Skip the foreplay, let 'er rip
You gotta beat the clock, beat the clock,
Beat the clock, beat the clock

I did lots of travelling
Parts of me unraveling
The Army then rejected me
Said I had two flat feet
Wore them out when I was three

Too bad there ain't ten of you
Then I'd show you what I'd do
I could cheat on five of you
And be faithful to you too
But there's only one of you

[CHORUS]

"Beaver O'Lindy"


I'm one minute older and I'm doing all right
I'll gain valuable experience in front of you tonight
They say my voice is going to change
I'm one minute older, I'm doing all right
I'll gain valuable experience with you tonight
They say my voice is going to change
It cracks like Arctic ice-flows then it croaks like old-folks homes

[Chorus]
B-E-A-V-E-R O'-L-I-N-D-Y
Well, I'm the London that is dead, I'm the boy in your bed
B-E-A-V-E-R O'-L-I-N-D-Y
Well, sure you've seen me before,
No doubt you'll see much more

Well, I'm the girl in your head but the boy in your bed
The trash man’s valet, the words that you say
You've seen me before, you'll see me much more
Well, I'm as big as can be, as big as TV

I'm the words that you say, the words that you say
The trash man’s valet and the words that you say
Well, you've seen me before, you'll see me much more
Well, I'm as big as can be, as big as TV

I'm your wallet-sized friend, your wallet-sized friend
The London that's dead, the London that's dead
Well, you've seen me before, you'll see me much more
Well, I'm as big as can be, as big as TV

[Chorus]
B-E-A-V-E-R O'-L-I-N-D-Y
Well, I'm the girl in your head but the boy in your bed
B-E-A-V-E-R O'-L-I-N-D-Y
Well, sure you've seen me before,
No doubt you'll see much more

"Bergman Ponders Escape"


I’ve often portrayed hopelessness in my films.
But this is a hopelessness of a different sort. I must escape here and return home.
This Hollywood is not a place, it’s a sensibility, a sensibility at
complete odds with my sensibility.
I’ve often portrayed loss of identity in my films, but I’ve never felt
that loss of identity myself. I must escape.
They admire what I represent too much to cause me any bodily
harm if I try to escape.
Still, I don’t even know what escape means when the place you
are escaping from is more of an idea than a physical location.
Escape is too logical of a concept.
Perhaps if I go downstairs without being seen and just continue
walking, escape may come as quickly as this form of
imprisonment has come.