"Here Comes Bob"



When I spot a driver worth a second glance
Foot to floorboard, impact soon achieved
Here comes Bob, I ain't subtle in my ways of making friends
Girl this rubbled mess was caused by my neglect
Of course I'll pay and by the way my dear
Here comes Bob
I ain't subtle in my ways of making friends

But here comes Bob
Sometimes I will stoop to hitting two-door coupes without the frills
But that is just for casual acquaintances, for stripped-down thrills
Your car girl or mine it doesn't matter doesn't matter no
But for affairs with staying power I go after limousines
It's always nice when something big is acting as your go-between
For a group encounter I'll hit busses, mobile homes or trains to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

It's hard to make acquaintances in our big town
Most eyes stare at nothing much at all
But here comes Bob
I ain't subtle in my ways of making friends, friends, acquaintances

Instant adulation comes to some at birth
Born to queens or corporate entities
But here comes Bob
Someday they'll put me away
I'll think back on active days
Most were worth the minor scars
Some were worth the damaged cars
And the judge will say to me
"Bob, You've got a bad means to a worthwhile end"

An end

Well, here comes Bob

"Here In Heaven"


Here, there are lots of things to do
And a panoramic view
Of the universe completely surrounding you

And here you cannot buy souvenirs
You're never going back, never, never
Basically, I guess it could be worse
Yes, I do suppose it could be worse

Here, there are many, many sheep
And the people only sleep
And awake to tell how gory and gruesome was their end
And I don't have many friends
And it's really very clean and I'm thinking
Juliet, you broke our little pact
Juliet, I'm never coming back

[Chorus:]
Up here in Heaven without you
I'm here in Heaven without you
Up here in Heaven without you
It is Hell knowing that your health will keep you out of here
For years and years and years

Dear, do you often think of me
As you overlook the sea
Do I qualify as dearly departed or am I
That sucker in the sky
The fall guy for the first and the last time
Juliet, I thought we had agreed
Now I know why you let me take the lead

[Chorus:]
Up here in Heaven without you
I'm here in Heaven without you
Up here in Heaven without you
It is Hell knowing that your health will keep you out of here
For years and years and years

Second thoughts, is that what you had?
Second thoughts, first I broke my back
Second thoughts, as I hit the sea
Second thoughts, for eternity, for eternity, for eternity

[Chorus:]
Up here in Heaven without you
I'm here in Heaven without you
Up here in Heaven without you
It is Hell knowing that your health will keep you out of here
For years and years and years

"Here Kitty"


Here kitty, kitty, kitty
Here kitty, here kitty
[x4]

Hark I hear them calling for me fireman, oh fireman
Hark I hear them calling for me hurry, hurry fireman

I climb the Eucalyptus, bring her kitty back
I climb the Douglas fir and bring her kitty back
I climb the Juniper and bring her kitty back
"How can I thank you for your bringing kitty back?"

Here kitty, here kitty
[x4]

Climbing, climbing they exhort me
Hurry, hurry fireman
Crying, crying loud and softly
Every cat's a crazy man

I'm at your service, ma'am, and here's your kitty back
I'm at your service ma'am, and here's your kitty back
"How can I thank you for your bringing kitty back?"
"How can I ever thank you, ever pay you back?"

Here kitty, kitty, kitty
Here kitty, here kitty
[x4]

A four-alarmer and the circus is ablaze
Panicky people run out madly through the haze
I fight my way into the Big Top, wipe my eyes
There stands a tiger trainer, lovely, hear her cry
She points up to the high-wire, there a tiger stands
"Oh help me, help me, bring my tiger down, dear man"
"If you will save him, I will be yours every night"
I climb the pole and look the tiger in the eye
I climb the pole and look the tiger in the eye

Here kitty, kitty, kitty
Here kitty, here kitty
[x4]

Cats have struck a silent bargain with young women with no man
Treat us, feed us royally, and tonight you'll have that man
Though a lowly fireman, for tonight I am that man
Virtue is its own reward, but tonight I am that man
Virtue is its own reward, but tonight I am that man

"High C"



A picket fence, I leaped it
Through your screen door, I gotta meet you

High C up and High C down
Since you left the opera you just frown a lot
and mumble, "I'm humble."

Press clippings hang from torn wallpaper
A dust covered phone, no one would ring her

High C up and High C down
Since you left the opera you just frown a lot
and you tell me

Tell me of the times when you were so big
in Vienna
And the people paid good money just to hear
you in your splendour

But that's all over now
That's all over now

Limited tastes, I wish I could help you
A rock-headed lad, I have got to help you

High C up and High C down
Since you left the opera you just frown a lot
and mumble, "I'm humble."

Come on home with me and will sing our little hearts out
We will hit High C or maybe somewhere thereabouts

Somewhere thereabouts

"Hollywood Tour Bus"


[INGMAR BERGMAN:]
That Hollywood tour bus is certainly following me closely.

[HOLLYWOOD TOUR GUIDE:]
Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the Hollywood Tour Bus Line.
Ah, we’re in luck!
To your right you’ll seeMr. Ingmar Bergman, yes, the great director
Looking though he’s lost in his thoughts, as he often does, let’s
pull up just a little closer and see if he’ll give us a big Swedish hello.
Rumor has it that Bergman’s here in high level talks with a major
motion picture studio to begin what would be his first of many,
many English language films made in our sunny climate.
We can only hope that the sun doesn’t burn the trademark
Scandinavian gloom out of his outlook.
That’s why we love him!
(Ingmar, you’re a genius!).
Give Ingmar a wave!
That’s why we love him!
(Ingmar, you’re a genius!).
Give Ingmar a wave!
(Ingmar, you’re a genius!).
That’s why we love him!
Give Ingmar a wave!
(Ingmar, you’re a genius!).

"Hollywood Welcoming Committee"


[HOLLYWOOD WELCOMING COMMITTEE:]
May I come in?

[INGMAR BERGMAN:]
Who are you?

[HOLLYWOOD WELCOMING COMMITTEE:]
I am the Hollywood Welcoming Committee. May I sit down?

Blatant attempt, I must say, by those who desire you to stay
Knowing that you’ve a weakness for the girls
So Mr. Bergman, Mr. B, how ‘bout a cup of herbal tea
You’ve had a stressful day, time to unwind, so unwind

No, let us talk not of films but of your life in Bev’ly Hills
And of your freedom to get all things right
Never a compromise for you, budgets for what you want to do
Crews that can read your mind and work all night
Work all night

Tell me how best to make my case, any ol’ way or face to face
I can persuade you given enough time
So Mr. Bergman, Mr. B, you haven’t touched your herbal tea
Here, let me help you, you need to unwind, to feel fine…
To feel fine…

"Hospitality On Parade"


Someday we'll have one extra coastline
We'll tire of the Atlantic
By then we'll be rid of your lot
A shot heard 'round the world will soon be shot,
Will soon be shot

'Til then have some tea and tobacco
Hey Jenny meet your master
Be nice, show him kindness and such
Be kind to our master

But of feeling is a-brewing that we don't need any masters
'Cause we all can be a master and we all can be a king

We speak and we sing the way that you do
And showed you our hospitality on parade
But now we are we, we're no longer you
Tara to that hospitality on parade

Today you're going to find their descendants
In places all around you
You're faced with the easiest task
How best to act a king when always treated like a king

Lunch counters, at banks and the theatre
Kind help right there to serve you
Men selling, and girls selling too
And everyone's special

We all are someone special
Yes, we all are someone special
For we all are someone special
Where the customer is king

Whoever you are, whoever you bring
You'll find that hospitality on parade
However you look, you're always a king
Wherever there's hospitality on parade

I'm special, you're special
He's special, she's special
We're all someone special
And I am the king

[Chorus]

Whoever you are, whoever you bring
You'll find that hospitality on parade
However you look, you're always a king
Where ever there's hospitality on parade

"How Are You Getting Home?"


How are you getting home
It's on my way, so let me take you home, home home sweet home

How're you getting home
How're you getting home
How're you getting home, I'm curious
No, I'm really only curious
How are you getting home

Get away from here
Let's get away from here
I hope you live a million miles away
I could take you half way home tonight
Tomorrow you'll be home
Tell me how you're getting home

We got one thing in common baby
We're too good to be at this party
We're too good to be anywhere but
Inside my car

How are you getting home
It's on my way, so let me take you home,
Home home sweet home

[Chorus]

Don't let me push you baby
What I like is your independence
Real spunk, real independence
And there's my car

How are you getting home
It's on my way, so let me take you home, home home sweet home

"How Do I Get To Carnegie Hall?"



How do I get to Carnegie Hall?
How do I get to Carnegie Hall?
How do I get to Carnegie Hall?

Practice, man, practice
Practice, man, practice
Practice, man, practice
Practice, man, practice

How do I get to Carnegie Hall?
Practice, man, practice
How do I get to Carnegie Hall?
Practice, man, practice
To get yourself to Carnegie Hall
Practice, man, practice
Carnegie Hall, Carnegie Hall

Technical facility,
Old-word sensibility
All of this I did for you
Still there is no sign of you

I practiced, I practiced
Carnegie Hall was beckoning
I practiced, I practiced
Carnegie Hall was beckoning
I was ready, I was ready
Carnegie Hall was beckoning
Still there is no sign of you, still there is no sign of you

Steinway, Steinway, Steinway, Steinway,

How do I get to Carnegie Hall?
Practice, man, practice
How do I get to Carnegie Hall?
Practice, man, practice
To get yourself to Carnegie Hall
Practice man, practice
Carnegie Hall, Carnegie Hall

Practice on the Steinway,
Practice on the Steinway,
Practice on the Steinway,

They loved it, they showed it
The audience was deafening
I was ready, I was ready
The critics all said, "riveting"
On the Steinway, on the Steinway
I guess it doesn't mean a thing
Still there is no sign of you,
Still there is no sign of you

How do I get to Carnegie Hall?
Practice man, practice

How do I get to Carnegie Hall?
Practice, man, practice
How do I get to Carnegie Hall?
Practice man, practice

Still there is no sign of you.

"How To Get Your Ass Kicked"



Look askance
Just a glance
Just enough
To incite the wrath
Of her confidante
Strong though gaunt

And that's how to get your ass kicked
How to get your ass kicked

Never learn
To discern
Areas
Where you don't belong
So you venture out
Head in clouds

And that's how to get your ass kicked
How to get your ass kicked

I know, I know, I know, I know
Driving home,
Bikes in chrome
Cut you off
And you flip them off
And they take their turns
Many turns

And that's how to get your ass kicked
How to get your kicked

I know, I know, I know, I know
In the end
Then is when
You will pray
But you won't be answered
And then you'll go
End of show

And that's how to get your ass kicked
How to get your ass kicked

Oh well, oh well, oh well, oh well

"I Bought The Mississippi River"



I bought the Mississippi River
Of course that don't include the towns
or the people
around the Mississippi
Well, to cinch the deal the man threw
in a boat with crew
and then I knew I'd better grab that
river fast
It wouldn't last
They never do, they never do
It wouldn't last, last, last

So now I own the Mississippi
I couldn't decide if I should leave it there
or lug it out West with me
The best thing was to think about it,
not to make a move I might regret
cause then I'd have to have the
Mississippi sent back East, complete
with boat and crew
That wouldn't do, do, do

It's mine, all mine
(You know, it's yours, all yours)
It's mine, all mine
(You know, it's yours, all yours)

Do rivers ever need companions
Should I enquire if the Seine is
available, yeah, I would rather have
a classy little Frenchy than a Nile or
a Tybo, oh
Now wait a minute, how about the
Amazon, now that could be real fun
For Mississippi, for Mississippi,
for Mississippi, My Mississippi

I hope that I didn't make an error
I hope this ain't a lot more trouble
than it's all really worth

"I Can't Believe That You Would Fall for All the Crap in This Song"



I want you
and only you and only you and only you, my love
I need you
and only you and only you and only you, my love

I can't believe that you would fall for all the crap in this song
I can't believe that you would fall for all the crap in this song

I'll be true
Forever true, forever true, my love
Stay with you
forever you, forever you, my love

I can't believe that you would fall for all the crap in this song
I can't believe that you would fall for all the crap in this song

I want you
and only you and only you and only you, my love
I need you
and only you and only you and only you, my love

forever you, forever you, my love
and only you and only you and only you, my love
forever you, forever you, my love
and only you and only you and only you, my love

I want you
and only you and only you and only you, my love
I need you
and only you and only you and only you, my love

"I Like Girls"



No one is restricted, no one is tied down
But the Greece of old collapsed 'cause
no one liked their girls
We won't have that problem, I'm doing my part
No one asked me but I'll still answer la-la-la-la-la-la

I like girls, I like girls
I like girls, I like girls

I sweat in the daytime, I don't sweat much at night
No one asked me but I still answer "I like girls, I like girls"
All those who are with me, let's all raise our hands high
When they ask you, you'll surely answer la-la-la-la-la-la
I like girls, I like girls
I like girls, I like girls

Day of wedding preparation, you must decide
Has your choice been made?

Yes, I like girls
I like girls

"I Married A Martian"



Well, I married a Martian
And boy, am I sorry

Well, she came down from the sky
She couldn't stand the attitude there
She took human form, not bad
She seemed different
She had a European flair
And I said, "where you from?"
And she said, she said, "I'm from Mars"

I married a Martian
Her loving is different
Viva la diff=E9rence
Every, every night
I married a Martian
I took her to Vegas
I dressed her in ermine
She had the time of her life

Though she called me Mister Right
I could sense something was wrong
She was hardly home at all
She'd keep telling me
She was doing studies of Earth
She had tendencies to flirt
And it really did hurt me

I married a Martian
Boy, am I sorry
I don't recommend it
To anyone in their right mind

I married a Martian
I think I see changes
I know I see changes
She doesn't look like our kind

Her arms, her legs,
Were growing and growing
Her form, once thin,
Was changing, was changing
I can't describe
The changes, so gruesome
She looked, she seemed
So Martian

I married a Martian
I'm going to Vegas
It isn't for pleasure
I'm getting a quickie divorce

I married a Martian
Boy, am I sorry
I don't recommend it
To anyone in their right mind

I married a Martian
Who was I kidding
She only had loved me
'Cause I was the first guy she saw

I married a Martian
And now it is over
Go back to your cronies
Back to your own form of life

I married a Martian
They're good in the movies
Dramatic potential
But they're not so hot in real life

"I Married Myself"



I married myself
I'm very happy together
I married myself
I'm very happy together

I married myself
I'm very happy together
Long, long walks on the beach, lovely times
I married myself, I'm very happy together
Candlelight dinners home, lovely times

This time it's gonna last, this time it's gonna last
Forever, forever, forever

I married myself
I'm very happy together
I married myself
I'm very happy together

This time it's gonna last, this time it's gonna last
Forever, forever, forever
This time it's gonna last, this time it's gonna last
Forever, forever, forever

I married myself
I'm very happy together
Long, long walks on the beach, lovely times
I married myself, I'm very happy together
Candlelight dinners home, lovely times

This time it's gonna last, this time it's gonna last
Forever, forever, forever
This time it's gonna last, this time it's gonna last
Forever, forever, forever

"I Predict"



You're gonna take a walk in the rain
And you're gonna get wet
(I predict)

You're gonna eat a bowl of chow mein
And be hungry real soon
(I predict)
Are my sources correct
(I predict)
They're gonna find the Queen is a man
But that Philip don't care
(I predict)
Lassie will prove that Elvis and her
Had a fleeting affair
(I predict)
Are my sources correct
Are my sources correct
Yes I know they're correct
(I predict)

Men, if you say your prayers
You'll never lose your hair (I predict)

L.A. is safe
Ain't gonna quake
Ain't gonna quake
(I predict)

And somebody's gonna die
But I can't reveal who
Cold beer will cure a cold
Cold beer and pretzels, takes care of cancer
Moscow will march to France
They'll do the Can-Can Dance
Don't worry, it'll work out
Maxim's will throw them out

They're gonna stop Saturday night
So you better have fun now
(I predict)
They're gonna stop having the sun
So you better get tan now

And this song will fade out
And this song will fade out
And this song will fade out
(I predict)

"I Thought I Told You To Wait In The Car"



I thought I told you to wait in the car
I thought I told you to wait in the car

What's she doing now
Has the encore come yet
And the bravas and bouquets
Don't tell me, don't tell me
Someday I'll find a mind of my own
'Til then, I'm content to hear her say

I thought I told you to wait in the car
I thought I told you to wait in the car

I'll turn on the radio
And look at myself in the rear-view mirror
I know she has an image to protect
I know she's not just being mean when she screams

I thought I told you to wait in the car

What's she doing now
Meeting leaders of the Free World
She's dressed in black, she's their poster girl
Don't tell me, don't tell me
I know she has an image to protect
I know she's not just being mean when she screams

I thought I told you to wait in the car
I thought I told you to wait in the car
I thought I told you to wait in the car
I thought I told you to wait in the car

Just a glimpse of it all
Just a taste of it all
Just one foot in the door
In the door of dreamland, in the door of dreamland

I thought I told you to wait in the car

Walking in on an afternoon tryst
Can be a source of embarrassment
Embarrassment for all concerned
Don't tell me, don't tell me
In my wildest dreams
I never thought of Warren Beatty as a rival

I thought I told you to wait in the car
I thought I told you to wait in the car
I thought I told you to wait in the car
I thought I told you to wait in the car

"I Want To Be Like Everybody Else"



Dressing up when the world is Levi Strauss
Dressing down when tuxedos fill the house
Going out when the rest are coming home
Coming home when the rest are going out
And when I'm broke and really down
Everybody's throwing tons around
And when I finally get my pay
Everyone's in India or so they say
I wanna be, I wanna be, I wanna be, I wanna be
I want to be like everybody else
I want to be like everybody else
Gravity don't work on me
I want to be like everybody else

Drink your milk, then your coke,
then your rye
First you're born, then you live,
then you die
First you cry, then you sing, then
you moan
First you're wet, then you're dry,
then you're bone
It's such a 1, 2, 3 affair
Where did I go wrong, I'm stuck out here
I'm stuck, it's up to you
Hold me so tight they think I'm you

I wanna be, I wanna be, I wanna be,
I wanna be

I want to be like everybody else
I want to be like everybody else
Gravity don't work on me
I want to be like everybody else

"I Want To Hold Your Hand"
(originally by The Beatles)



Oh yeah, I´ll tell you something
I think you'll understand
When I say that something

I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand

Oh, please, say to me
You'll let me be your man
and please, say to me

You'll let me hold your hand
Now let me hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand

And when I touch you i feel happy, inside
It's such a feeling
That my love
I can't hide
I can't hide
I can't hide

Yeah you, got that something
I think you'll understand
When I say that something

I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand

And when I touch you I feel happy, inside
It's such a feeling
That my love
I can't hide
I can't hide
I can't hide

Yeah you, got that something
I think you'll understand
When I say that something

I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your ha-a-a-a-a-a-and

"I Wish I Looked A Little Better"



Turn out the light, yeah, the light
And I might have a chance
I guess I look slightly worse
Than the Elephant Man
Whoa, oh, oh, I wish I looked a little better
Whoa, oh, oh, I wish I looked a little better

I went to high school
And majored in looking real bad
I got a real ugly mom
And a real ugly dad
Whoa, oh, oh, I wish I looked a little better
Whoa, oh, oh, I wish I looked a little better

Dress for success
That's what they say
I'm such a mess
That there just ain't no way

I know my breath is the sweetest
It really is great
But when I try just to kiss you
You say "better wait"
Whoa, oh, oh, I wish I looked a little better
Whoa, oh, oh, I wish I looked a little better

Dress for success
That's what they say
Gimme some clothes
To slap over my head

Whoa, oh, oh, I wish I looked a little better
Whoa, oh, oh, I wish I looked a little better

I went to Balboa Island
And laid in the sand
I may be ugly as sin
But at least now I'm tan

Whoa, oh, oh, I wish I looked a little better
Whoa, oh, oh, I wish I looked a little better
Whoa, oh, oh, I wish I looked a little better
Whoa, oh, oh, I wish I looked a little better